Do I know fear? Of course. I know it so well I fucking hate it. It disgusts me…maybe it’s that fearful part of myself that disgusts me.

I know what this world is capable of. I know that my mind plays tricks on me. Fear somehow manifests through a mixture of these two, though maybe I’m missing an ingredient.

I’m fearful they laugh.
I’m fearful they don’t.
I’m fearful of a stupid muthafucka at the wrong time.

Cause I’m fearful of my reaction. Will I rise to the occasion? Will I play it cool? Will I snap & become a god damn lunatic?

I’m fearful of my rage.

When my rage is fully aflame, the walls of fear come tumbling down. I picture bloody murder. I picture spiraling out of control, like a tornado from a quiet summer day…all destruction, damn the path, damn myself.

Despite what I’ve come to realize, that fear lives on, right in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could dig it out.

It’s a good thing I can’t, cause then I’d really be a frothing-at-the-mouth god damn lunatic.

Fuck it.

There’s a side to me that says, “fuck it,” be a wild man.

Don’t just stand in front of the train of fear…run through it.

Brand new job at a new office, I asked for a window seat.

Night on the town & I can’t dance, I danced like a retard anyway.

Not sure if I should’ve went for the kiss, fuck it, only way to find magic.

Economy is shit & I have no idea how to raise kids, fuck it, we’re making babies & we’ll catch ourselves along the way.

Now every “fuck it” wasn’t a smashing success. I’ve crashed & burned, yet I’m still here. That fear is still there.

Sometimes you just gotta say “fuck it” & walk right into the fire.

How good can something possibly be?

When is a thing good enough?

I do tend to want the best. There is a problem with that however. The best takes more time, more energy, more struggle. Is that juice worth the squeeze?

I have driven myself fucking crazy in the search of perfection or the best. I’ve poured hours, days, maybe even weeks into that search. What if I accepted good enough or 70% instead of 100%?

I imagine my options would’ve exploded, I would’ve moved further, & by those two results I would’ve gone further.

Further how?

Further by pulling the trigger & thus taking a step. Faster results would take me to the next question in life. More answers equals more lessons learned. Those lessons learned would change how I venture into my next journey.

That extra 30% just isn’t worth it. I can do so much more with good enough or 70%.

There’s an element of fear in creating, right?

You’re reaching into your soul and pulling out a piece of yourself for the world to see.

There’s a love to it.

But that love isn’t in the eyes that see your work—that’s an illusion whispered by the devil.

When you believe that to be your love, you hang on to every word.

You operate based on the output of others.

You freeze.

The love is in that spark—that element that intrigues you,

that urge to paint the world.

What is art?

It’s whatever you make it.

It has no box, no structure, no instruction.

(How can someone possibly instruct another on how to make art?)

These schools are robbing people.

Now the essence—the beginnings—of what you do will be rough.

A jagged blade.

Erratic.

Coloring outside the lines.

When I create, I bring what I see in my mind into this reality.

I build the beauty, the sexiness—my vision.

Creation

is showing

what I see.

Can you paint that picture in your mind in all its glory?

Can you capture that moment?

It’s a beautiful thing when you do.

When you can step back, smile, and say, “YES! There it is.”

Damn what everyone else thinks.

Complete creativity is a true taste of freedom.

So do it.

Do it for you.

Let the colors bleed out.

The refinement—the precision—comes in time.

First, you have to be wild enough to venture into the unknown.

Don’t get lost in your fear.

Lack of embarrassment is a superpower.

All the songs have been sang.

All the dances have been danced.

All the stories have been told.

All the pictures have been painted.

Do those thoughts run across your mind when you create?

They’ve crossed mine.

When I sit down to write, I think for a second…

“What hasn’t been said?”

Oh, that’s right — we live in the days of the internet.

It’s all been fucking said.

A quick Google search will drown me with websites and forums on the topic I thought was brilliant.

Then, as I dive further into the depths of the internet, I find better insights than whatever I was thinking… shit.

I follow that up by asking A.I. about my topic, and it proceeds to caress my brilliance…

or makes me feel like a smart idiot for even having the question.

This is just a nightmare scenario in my head — but collectively?

I’ve been there.

Done that.

I imagine an artist looks at an art museum the same way I look at a library:

amazed and intimidated.

Then you head inside and read an excerpt from a goofy-ass book

or see a shitty painting,

which in turn makes you feel shittier — or courageous.

Depends on the day.

When we look at the greats of history, those bastards had a nice mental advantage:

they didn’t have everyone in the world, and everyone who came prior, to compare themselves to.

Imagine Michelangelo doom-scrolling Bob from Virginia’s Instagram, thinking:

“I can’t do this shit,”

as he looks at some rando’s work.

Or Michelangelo completing the Sistine Chapel, showing it to his brother Leonardo,

and his brother goes:

“That’s cool. Have you seen this guy Bob’s from Virginia’s work?!?”

Fuck.

I suppose we have better shit and a fuck-it attitude.

Actually — these days, you have to have a fuck-it attitude.

So:

Sing your song.

Dance your dance.

Paint your picture.

Write your thoughts.

Set your heart free?

Your best is now.

You know how many things used to piss me off?

Way too many… seriously.

Car needs fixing = pissed.

I feel drained & like shit = anger.

Marital dispute at 11:59 PM = fuck me.

Stubbed my toe = on fire.

It’s easy to focus on the inconveniences that drop into your life.

But you know what?

There’s a cost of doing business.

• Owning the car that takes you to work and lets you explore the world comes with repairs.

• Cooking that banging-ass meal comes with a dirty-ass kitchen.

• Shaking your thang, going shot for shot till dawn, leaves you feeling like Joe Pesci at the end of Casino.

• Letting dirtbags into your life leads to fucked-up situations.

• Playing the dating game comes with rejection and heartbreak.

• Getting married and experiencing love comes with late-night disagreements (aka shitstorms).

• Having children and seeing the beauty of life comes at the cost of shattering the world you knew.

It all has a cost—

the worst of things,

the best of things.

Next time, don’t sweat it.

These days you’re about a moment away from a “this is how to optimize your life” slap to the head.

You know what I’m talking about, the videos & articles of “this is how to have more energy”, “this is how not to be a fat ass”, “this is how to have a fat ass!”, ETC, ETC. The “how to live your life” disco never stops.

The majority of it needs to be ignored. Now I’m not referring to the obvious shit, like “don’t be a crackhead” (though don’t do drugs, & if you’re smoking weed you’d better have bank, like a million liquid; otherwise, you’re a crackhead).

“You piece of shit, how dare you judge me!”

You may say; but, that’s the way of the world.

The time I dabbled in ganja land killed my motivation & made me dull. I fucking hate not being on point. So, out of love, don’t be a crackhead. Okay, end of side rant.

It can be easy & almost intoxicating to go down the road of self help optimization. I tried many things, sleeping routines, eating routines, writing routines, ass getting routines & in time I always fell back into a void; a place of no footing, just floating. That void was me; instead of finding my own footing, I was too busy trying to walk in the steps of others.

There are things to be learned from the millions of screaming voices, but more importantly, there are things to be learned about yourself. Finding what works for you, that’s the magic. Imagine you live a life & never find out who you are?

This is your permission, your sign to venture into the unknown of yourself. Dive in, find what makes your engine purr not & not run like a heap.

P.S Don’t use this as an excuse to be a fucking asshole.

My wonderful wife

Life is a hurricane

Roaring, clashing, crashing, then silence

More than lucky to have your hand in this dance

So bring the storms & the rain

We’ll dance them all away

The days come & go

Some call it growing old

But days passing brought me to you

Days passing turned strangers in the night

To husband & wife

What a wonderful life

I love you my wife

                                           Husband.

Your smile

                    warms.

Your eyes

                    love.

Your laugh

                    heals.

Forever I’m blessed.

You are that blessing.

Love you little one.

Beyond time & this reality.

                            Dad.

This felt like a nice “fuck you” to woke culture. The cherry on top, plenty of laughs at our dumb society. This is not your typical comedy, it’s fresh.

9/10

Life is just views.

Not in the sense of what you see but how reality is unraveled in the mind. Isn’t always a thought that stems from another thought, a mood that is the result of that thought, & energy that comes from that mood?

It all leads back to interpretation of reality.

How do you see the world?

How do you see the world seeing you?

I know “I don’t give a fuck how the world see me”, I’ve been there, done it & said it….but words lie. To cut myself from the judgement of others is a dream, reality is messy. Maybe thats a good thing; a complete loss of care would turn me savage.

Or is that just my interpretation. Would I turn savage? Maybe I’d be in flow moving like the wind around obstacles. I’ve lived all 3, savage, aware of what others think, & in flow like the water through the ocean.

The days in flow were the best ones.

All 3, results of my interpretation on reality. It’s a beautiful when you realize you have more control than you thought you had. Is that real? I don’t know, it feels that way & that’s good enough.

So the next time it gets dark ask yourself “how am I seeing the world, what’s my interpretation?”. Then find the laughs, get wild with your vision, & be free.

The old & routine is boring.

No matter the morph of circumstance I find the problem, I hate it, it’s a sickness, I want to cut it out.

Where is happiness? It’s right here, not beyond but prior to the bullshit. The mind dances from one thing to another & our souls get dragged through the mud behind it.

Is it society or my mind that tells me to stay hungry? That hunger thats never fulfilled until it’s been decided it has. Rats on a wheel.

As the time ticks away I’m never doing enough, each second sounds like a bell tower, & as I watch the seconds drop by I become disgusted.

I can float on by blissful, happy, & dumb or I can be an ambitious grouch.

Has it all become too much, have we become fat pigs? When was the last time enough was enough? When was the last time you sat with what is, satisfied?

I’m not here to tell you you’re on the right path, I’m here to tell you you’re fucking up.

As the new year rolls in what does it mean?

Is it just a another day or is it an opportunity for something new?

I’ll be honest, many years have home come with high ambitions & statements of what will change, then the energy subsides; one day of the same ole same becomes two, next thing you know I’m just trying to stay afloat looking for the next gasp of air….& that’s life.

Is it though?

Looking back at the year there was “good”, of course there was. That’s what I’d like to carry forward, more of THAT! Maybe it’s best to reflect, see what worked, what sucked, what moved me forward, what dragged me back, what did I love, & what loved me back.

It’s easy to paint perfect visions of me at my best, everything going right, & champagne flowing from the heavens but then….then shit happens.

I think the reflecting is more powerful than the goals. Take the good that was & push it forward. The bad, see it for what it was, how it got there, & do less of that.

When the fire dies out there’s a moment of peace.

Then,

The cold starts to creep in.

I’d rather burn at the edge of uncertainty.

At least then I can sleep at night.

  When I think about things that I enjoy it’s easy to go down one of two routes, the easy & the noisy.

  The noisy route is shades of grey. The “this is decent’, “not bad”, & “its alright” feelings when I go to judge. They don’t do very much but cause confusion; while they’re all different, it’s hard to say how.

 The easy route is the obvious one. When you love something, you know it. When you like something it’s not “alright”, “decent”, or “not bad”, those are indicators you don’t fuck with it.

  So drop the “alrights”, “decents”, & “okays”. Entertain what you like & find what you love.

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